I called his bluff, told him what he didn’t want to hear, said I hated him, even though I could never do that, and called it quits. 8 years, it’ll take some time to get used to the emptiness I feel, but I am strong. My sense of humor is back- God how I missed it. I never realized how much of me I had given up until that laughter came out of me uncontrollably. I missed me- I missed being the independent woman that I was. I missed getting together with my friends, men and women, and socializing, I missed being happy about the little things in life. I’m so glad I found the woman I left behind because I cared about what one person thought. Thank you for the lessons Mr. Big. I know that I’ve left a mark on your heart, your soul, your being. The marks that you’ve left are lessons learned on how NOT to lose who I am. I hope when you are holding your grandchild your thoughts turn to how you’ve treated me and you pray that no one will treat them the same way.
Why, why, why, why is there another man in my life – let me share some of the reasons. I was out of town the last couple of days. I turn on my phone and there are TWO voice mails from my husband. Not the be careful on the road and take care kind of messages- nooooooooooo the direct tv is not working on certain channels and my favorite show is on and I can’t watch it kind of messages – did I mention TWO? I get home and it’s not a kiss glad you’re home safe kind of welcome, it’s I’m hungry and I have to get you to your appointment kind of greeting. The next day I call the tv people and they ask me if the other TVs are acting the same way – why no they are not – mmmmmmmmmm so hubby never thought of turning the other tv on and watching his favorite show back there????????????? I’m still with the tv people and he informs me that he’s got his things and is headed out the door, ok so he wants me to drop everything and tell him what I wanted/needed to hear 2 days ago – sorry I can only concentrate on what one person is asking me to do, and that’s not him right at this moment. Can we say selfish? Maybe I’m selfish for having someone else that I can count on to just listen to me at times, maybe I’m selfish because that other person’s attention is totally on me when we are together, my needs and wants are just as important as his. Why is it that I am so much younger than my husband, but way more mature than he is? I’m am so exhausted from having to carry so much of the responsibility load.
Was it shocking? Weird? Never thought those words would come out of my mouth? You went silent for about five seconds. I wondered if you were still there, listening, taken aback by my comment. Yes, I did say “Let’s just go f%&*” If having a meal or a drink make you feel less guilty for what we do, I won’t play along with that any more. Let’s just bang and get it over with, then you can deal with real guilt.
Last time we
made love met for lunch you started discussing the counseling sessions you’ve been going to. This discussion made me feel ill, out of place, not wanting to be part of this any more. Why? I honestly don’t know. It made me cringe to think that I would be the reason you are attending. I can’t believe you’re actually going and making a mockery of it. You really don’t want to work on your marriage, you don’t want to change, you want to have it all. Except you can’t. You and I have something special because it only survives while we are together, it will never last beyond that. We live our lives and go on until the next time we need to be touched, caressed, wanted, kissed.
It has taken me years to get to the point where I really see you for what you are, a distraction. You have shown me the good and the not so good and I am so elated that you did. I no longer wish to be with you til the end of time, I no longer need/want to know where you are and what you are doing. All this is to me now is just a way to spend time not thinking about what’s not being given to me at home.
I will be gone for a bit, I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. You all be safe, play well and above all else enjoy life. Bring a smile to someone’s face, they’ll make you shine!!
# 16 Thoughts on Education – since I am in it I will tell you that what we are teaching and the way it’s being taught have set up our kids for failure. As long as we hold athletics in as high a regard as we do, we will never be #1 in any field.
#17 – Favorite Blogs – Being Her, Rougemouth, Learning to Exhale, Linda’s low carb to name a few
#18 – A Photograph of myself – sorry I have no tech skills, don’t know how to do that
#19 – Favorite Movie – can I have 2 or more – The Godfather Pt. 2, Aliens, Mame and Bridges of Madison County
#20 – What makes me happy – a smile, a wink, soft music, knowing someone is thinking of me
#21 – What makes you sad – abuse towards anyone or anything
#22 – My worst habit – I judge others
#23 – If I won the lottery – it would be a miracle- I would hide for several months, and depending on how much I won, the amount of people I would secretly help would be many
#24 – What attracts me(in love) – the chase
#25 – My biggest regret – being in debt
#26 – My hidden talent – that’s why it’s well hidden
#27 – What’s in your closet – clothes and purses, the shoes don’t fit
#28 – Most embarrasing moment – being caught in lies
#29 – A confession – I have a certain routine I follow on Sundays
#30 – My hopes for my blog – that I get to communicate with others in my same situation.
Since I have some time on my hands here are items 3-15
#3 Favorite Quote – “Watch the women watching the men watching you.” Harry Winston
#4 Dream Job- Comparing high end/ low end vacations spots around the world
#5 Proudest Moment – when I received my degree
#6 What am I afraid of – snakes, people finding out my 2 secrets
#7 My 5 favorite songs (so many to choose from) – If I had you – Alabama; Doe Eyes – theme from Bridges of Madison County; Dancing in the Moonlight – King Harvest; Usted – Luis Miguel; Para Morir Iguales – Jose Alfredo Jimenez
#8 5 current goals – retire in 7 years, purchase a home close to the beach, be happy with what I have, get out debt, stay out of trouble
#9 What’s in by bag or wallet – 4 lipsticks, brush, feminine cleansing wipes, antibacterial gel, aside from wallet and phone
#10 Best Trip of my life – the beach
#11 10 Favorite Foods – Pho, Bahn Mi, Flautas, Mole, Mom’s chicken soup, Spicy Chicken and green beans, Farfalle with spicy sauce, Spicy Fried Chicken, biscuits and #1 favorite food – CHEESE
#12 Favorite Childhood book – Snow White
#13 What’s inside my fridge- greek yogurt, 6 types of cheeses, fajitas, ribs, milk, 3 flavors of coffee creamer, jalapenos, assorted veggies
#14 3 healty habits – drink liquids, sleep at least 6 hours a night, have at least 1 glass of wine a day
#15 Where will I be in 5 years?- closer to retirement, still going strong, have the same positive attitude and leading a remarkable life